Written by Oz on Sunday, 19 Jul 2009.
You rolling with an ill case of ball rot due to some hella saddle sores and shammy fungus? Read on....
What: DZ Nuts
What it do: Prevents your durf from falling off and helps you ride longer.
Where it be: On yo taint
Howz it feel: Spectacular
Cost: Bout a sawbuck ($20)
Edible: Smells like a Peppermint Pattie so I would say yes. I might try some on my toast.
DZ-Nuts ......making cycling better one taint at a time.....
What is possibly the worst pain in cycling? The burn in your legs and your lungs after a five hour ride that consisted of 93% climbing. Perhaps it is that separated clavicle after a beautifully orchestrated Polish wheelie to shoulder plant in a nasty rock garden. Could it be the mental anguish one suffers after realizing that the text book “stick in the rear wheel” just cost them a weeks wages and a 4 mile walk out of the woods?
I would have to say that all of these fail to hold a candle to the mother of all cycling inflicted pains....the dreaded saddle sore and the resulting fungus induced rot. Nothing can make a day (along with the subsequent work week and next 15 rides) go more wrong that a tomato red durf that is oozing, itching and burning like an STD that you picked up in a third world country. No combination of split wedge saddle, padded short, rear suspension or Huggies diaper loaded with Desitin can prevent the inevitable from happening....well at least until now.
What is my grundle you ask?
Your grundle; or taint’s real name is the perenial nerve. This is basically the bridge between the backside of your applebag and your exhaust pipe.....or where yo mid meat greets the seat. When you ride, you are basically putting the weight of your body along with some additional downward forces on said area. I doesn’t take an engineer or a doctor to figure out that if you log in some serious miles, your stuff is gonna get beat up hella quick. Add to this some heat, friction, sand, sweat, bacteria, dookie residue and the like and you have a microbial bomb going off in your durf. For years people have used evrything from Vaseline to diaper rash ointment to lube up the lower gearbox......there are even companies like Assos that make high end chamois creams, but thy all do a mediocre job. Trust me, I get hella crotch rot that literally last from March until the first snow and I have tried them all.
I thought Deez Nuts was what someone got when they pissed you off?
True, but this is DZ Nuts, as in Pro cyclist Dave Zabriske; who has collaborated with some smart people (pharmacuetical engineers and doctors) and developed this au natural cream cleverly named DZ nuts. Made from tea tree oil and some other hippie extracts, DZ Nuts is a topical cream that you liberally apply to your taint in order to protect, lube and prevent infections.
I'll let my gooch do the talkin
First impression was a semi tingly feeling not unlike the initial onset of Ben-Gay. This tingle soon turns to a euphoric feeling of some one fanning your balls with an icy breeze. The smell of minty goodness fills the air as you pull up your shorts in preparation to do battle with your saddle. Needless to say, two hours later I experienced little pain with no inflamation or redness and my shorts smelled like an after dinner mint. I have since used DZ Nuts over 2 dozen times with the same results. This stuff is so good that I actually carry a second tube in my golf bag for those long hot days on the links. Shit works and is almost addicting. My taint gives it two thumbs up!
If that doesn't compell you to buy some maybe DZ's killer d**k duster will!